Overview
This student’s writing piece is in response to a prompt about finding a bottle with a rolled up piece of paper inside and then telling a story about what happens next. The student has put some thought and good detail in the story describing his feelings of enthusiasm when he finds the bottle and also adds his best friend’s name into the story showing a personal touch. There is an introductory setting of a very hot day on a sandy beach, and intrigue with the idea of a treasure map. Certain elements happen in the story leaving the reader wondering, why? However, with more additional clarity and build up in the middle section of the story, it is a great start to an eventual ending which includes discovering sixty grand and a purchase of a Lamborghini.
6 Trait Assessment (NWREL, 1992)
(1) Ideas: Support is attempted, but doesn’t go far enough yet in fleshing out the key issues or story line. The reader is left with questions. More information is needed to “fill in the blanks.” After the author and his friend discover a treasure map in the bottle, the author then writes, “then we got scared and whined like we were 2 months old…” The reader is left wondering what happened that they would be scared. The idea of feeling frightened was a great emotional addition but support was lacking. The treasure map was leading them to money, but details and the adventure in the journey was missing.
(2) Organization: The paper has a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Transitions sometime work, at other times, connections between ideas are unclear. Pacing is fairly well controlled, though the writer sometimes lunges ahead too quickly or spends too much time on details that did not seem pertinent to the story. “And” and “there was” is used frequently for transitions; however, the student does show awareness of organizational flow with the use of “then” and “next.” In the middle section, the student adds a paragraph about him and his best friend getting a bite, not feeling good, “drunk” some milk, and falling asleep. This detail could have been eliminated. Instead more aspects of what was on the treasure map could have been added.
(3 & 4) Voice/Word Choice: The writer does connect to the audience through the use of natural engaging language. The writer does take risk by the inclusion of personal detail that reveals the person behind the words. Striking words or phrases often catch the reader’s eye and linger in the reader’s mind. While the student can elaborate better on ideas and edit some sentences for print instead of talking, the voice of the author shows strong potential. Here are some examples:
- “…I wake up to find Im like burning hot like Id be in a oven at 200 degrese…”
- “…help me open this dum bottle…”
- “… whined like we were 2 months old.”
- “…lead me to 60 grand I was happy that I bought a lubergini and I still rember the day I found a bottle in the sandy beach.”
(5 & 6) Sentence Fluency and Conventions: More work will be needed in sentence fluency and conventions to make it easier on the reader to keep track of the message. Parts of the text invite expressive oral reading; but many sentences without proper conventions ramble on. Punctuation is often missing and the reader must read once to decode, then again for meaning. Commas, periods, and even exclamations will add to voice and fluency. Some word choice: “and” for transitions, “there was”, and “like” were repetitive. There were also some verb tense issues: “wake” instead of woke and “drunk” instead of drank.
Spelling
Misspelled words included: alomost, dwn, latter (later), roolled (rolled), peice, boottle (bottle), awesme, coul (cool), dwn, opend, dum (dumb), figuerd, fel, checkd, wonderd, and labergini. The writer is sounding out words to help aid in his spelling. Words ending in
“ed,” long vowel, other vowel patterns, consonant doubling, inflected endings, and syllable junctures are learning targets of focus. I would place this writer in the Within Word Pattern and Syllables and Affixes spelling stages (Bear & Templeton, 2004).
Summary
This writer has a clear introduction and conclusion. Elaboration of ideas in the middle will add to meat of the narrative. In addition, taking out some unnecessary detail will help the fluency for the reader. The writer shows potential for strong voice with the use of his descriptions and ideas. Lack of proper conventions is limiting the fluidity of this writing piece. More detail on the “why” part for sentence meaning will help the audience understand. I would recommend a conference discussing organization, elaboration and/or focus on ideas, sentence fluency, and conventions for learning and growth in writing.
Lesson Outline
Objective: Student will learn to organize, edit, and elaborate on ideas. We will be asking the questions: who, what, where, when, and why. A specific focus will be in answering the question, “Why is this happening in the story?”
Standards: GLE 1.3.1: Revises text, including changing words, sentences, paragraphs, and ideas.
Materials: Notebook paper and a pencil
Instructional Strategies:
This lesson will occur in a personal writing conference.
First I will ask the student to read his story aloud and tell me what he thinks so far.
I will then tell the student all the excellent ideas and thoughts on his paper already. (Celebrate student's writing from Routman, 2005)
Then I will remind him to keep his audience in mind and ask him if there is anything he thinks that will help the reader follow along with the story. I will also ask him if he thinks there is anything detail we should take out. I will take notes on the notebook paper of the ideas we discussed.
Then I will touch base on the elements of: who, what, where, when, and why. The focus will on the “why” part. For example, as a reader, I want to know what is scary, and why is it so hot, what is on the map, and why do you buy a Lamborghini?
After discussion, I will have this student work independently to make edits and add additional detail to add to his already wonderful start. The thoughts we discussed and notes taken will be given to him for reminders.
The next day, I will follow up with another conference. We will revisit his work to see if edits of elaboration were made and how he felt about his story now. Then together, we will discuss the next phase which if ready, will be a look at conventions.
Assessment:
I will compare first and second drafts and see if his ideas were expanded on and if as a reader I come away with fewer questions. I will also assess his new draft with the Six Traits Rubric with a focus on ideas.
I really liked this analysis and the examples you were able to show from your writers work. A little more information on the writer himself may be helpful(if you were able to get any in your short time with the student)Overall I felt it covered all the areas of analysis well.
ReplyDeleteI think you have it covered. The only area I can think to expand on is maybe assessment. You could give some examples of approaches you might take to measure the writer's progress by adding specifically what you would like to see in the next draft.
ReplyDeleteGood, thorough analysis. I loved all the examples you included. If you are going to revise something I would suggest maybe taking a look at the Voice/Word Choice section. What do you mean by "edit some sentences for print instead of talking" exactly? Also my curiosity is piqued by the risk of the personal detail, perhaps include that example? Overall, nice job. I don't think you have much work left to do for revising.
ReplyDeleteFinal Reflection
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the feedback comments from my peers, I feel my analysis of this student’s writing covered the main points well and the examples I provided helped with the analysis. A few additional examples on specific assessment outcomes and why I made certain reviews would help emphasize and clarify my points. In my lesson plan assessment, I wrote that I would compare first and second drafts by looking for expansion of his ideas. For example, in his writing there is a moment that he and his friend were scared. I will look for evidence that there is an explanation on what frightened them. Using the 6 Trait Rubric (NWREL, 1992), I will see if as a reader, my questions are better anticipated and answered. Also using the 6 Trait Rubric, I will see if the writer is able to change some of his writing to pick out what is most significant. For instance, if the writer chose to keep the paragraph talking about getting a bite and some milk, what was the purpose in relation to the story?
In my analysis on voice and word choice I wrote, “…the student can elaborate better on ideas and edit some sentences for print instead of talking.” I wrote this because the student sometimes writes as though he was talking to a person instead of for a reader. For example, the student writes, “Im like burning hot like I’d be in an oven at 200 degrees.” This sentence was not used for dialogue but as a description for the setting; the word “like” is also used twice in one sentence.
Additionally, adding some detail about the student’s interests or motivation will help discuss who this student is personally and show evidence of taking personal risks in his detail. After getting to know this student, I know he and his dad talk about fast cars and that is why he chose a Lamborghini. This student originally wanted to write he had purchased a Ferrari, but he said he didn’t know how to spell it. Come to find out, his favorite color is also purple, so adding an additional adjective to the color of his fast car would provide a colorful image for the reader at the end of the story. This student also likes scary and mystery books. A brief hint of being scared was in his writing, but the feeling needed to be explained.
The feedback given to me by my peers gave me confidence that I was on the right track in my analysis and areas that needed more clarity.